jokes

2008-01-29T10:30:00.000-08:00

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a
Canadian man answered his door to find two grim-faced Mounties. 'We're
sorry sir, But we have some information about your wife,' said one
Mountie.

'Tell me! Did you find her?' the anguished husband sobbed.

The Mounties looked at each other. One said, 'We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which do you want to hear
first?'

Fearing the worst, the ashen husband said, 'Give me the bad news first.'

The Mountie said,'I'm sorry to tell you, Sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in the bay.'

'Oh my God!' exclaimed the husband. Swallowing hard, he asked, 'What's
the good news?'

The Mountie continued,'When we pulled her up, she had twelve 25 lb.
snow crabs & 6 good-size lobsters clinging to her.'

Stunned, the husband demanded,'If that's the good news, what's the
great news?'

The Mountie said, 'We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow!'

he local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she
had just gotten married -- for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt
like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's
occupation.

'He's a funeral director,' she answered.

'Interesting, ' the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her
first three husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.
After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly,
explaining that she'd first married a banker when she was in her early
20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's, later on a preacher when
in her 60's, and now in her 80's, a funeral director.

The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and explained, 'I married one for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and four to go.'

2008-01-29T10:22:00.000-08:00

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it rub.

Two blonde genies appear, and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.

The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house.

Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there is a knock at the door. He answers the door and standing there are two persons dressed in Klu Klux Klan outfits.

They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he is dead. The Klansmen walk off. As they are walking away, they remove their hoods; it's the two blonde genies.

One blonde genie says to the other one, "Hey, I can understand the first wish having all these beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to. I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire. But to be hung like a black man is beyond me."

Bill Gates in Hell
Bill Gates dies and goes to hell.

Satan greets him: "Welcome Mr. Gates, we've been waiting for you. This
will be your home for all eternity. You've been selfish, greedy and a
big liar all your life. Now, since you've got me in a good mood, I'll
be generous and give you a choice of three places in which you'll be
locked up forever."

Satan takes Bill to a huge lake of fire in which millions of poor souls
are tormented and tortured. He then takes him to a massive coliseum
where thousands of people are chased about and devoured by starving
lions.

Finally, he takes Bill to a tiny room in which there is a Beautiful
young blonde with an alluring look on her face, sitting at a table on
which there is a bottle of the finest wine. To Bill's delight, he sees
a PC in the corner. Without hesitation, Bill says, "I'll take this
option."

"Fine," says Satan, allowing Bill to enter the room. Satan locks the
room after Bill. As he turns around, he bumps into Lucifer.

"That was Bill Gates!" cried Lucifer. "Why did you give him the best
place of all!"

"That's what everyone thinks," snickered Satan. "The bottle has a hole
in it and the girl hasn't..."

"What about the PC?"

"It's got Windows 95!" laughed Satan. "And it's missing three keys."

"Which three?"

"Control, Alt and Delete."

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain't had no fun in months," then asked the class, "How should I correct this sentence?"

Little Johnny raised his had and replied, "Get yourself a new boyfriend."

2008-01-29T10:18:00.000-08:00

One day a group of boys
Decided to have a race
They chose to climb a great big tree
And set off at a pace

The rest of their friends gathered
To see the boys at play
They talked about it to themselves
"Will they make it?" "No way!"

They called up to the children
"You'll never make it up that tree"
But the boys just kept on climbing
And said "just watch and you will see"

But the others, how they shouted
And thought the boys tried to ignore
They began to drop out one by one
Another, another and then more

But one boy kept on climbing
And made it to the top of the tree
He never lost faith but believed in himself
And said "this won't defeat me"

The others were quite amazed
At the squirrel at the top of the tree
"How on earth did he do it?" they said
"Well", said one, "he's completely deaf, you see"

So the motto of this poem is
You can reach the top of the tree
Just don't listen to what others say
Just believe in yourself and you'll see......... .

A young wife, who was becoming frustrated with her young husbands constant demands for sex, decides to make a schedule for him, to cut down on the amount of times that they will have to make love for the rest of their marriage.

While getting ready for work, she writes on a piece of paper, "Honey, you know I love you, but your never ending requests for sex are leaving me drained and really tired. So I propose that we only have sex on days that start with the letter 'T', to minimize the frequency of our lovemaking sessions. Don't be mad at me honey, just understand where I am coming from, and let me know if my request is too demanding of you."

On her way out the door, she uses a refrigerator magnet and sticks the note to the fridge door, hoping that her sex craved husband will be understanding and accepting of her proposal when he reads it.
Upon returning home, she glances at the refrigerator and notices that her note has been replaced with a note from her husband that reads, "Baby, I didn't' realize that I was putting you under so much pressure and I'm sorry.
I accept your proposal and have even taken the extra step of listing at the bottom of this letter, those days starting with the letter 'T' to make sure that we are on the same page.
1. TUESDAY
2. THURSDAY
3. TODAY
4. TOMORROW
P.S. I love you too, and remember it's still TODAY, I am waiting for you upstairs."

LIFE IN THE 1500'S

The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the
water temperature isn't just how you like it, think about how things
used to be. Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath
in May, and still smelled pretty good by June. However, they were
starting to smell, so brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the

body odor. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water. The man of the
house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons

and men, then the women and finally the children. Last of all the
babies. By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone
in it. Hence the saying, Don't throw the baby out with the bath water.

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood
underneath. It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the
cats and other small animals (mice, bugs) lived in the roof. When it
rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall

off the roof. Hence the saying... It's raining cats and dogs.

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.. This
posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could

mess up your nice clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet
hung over the top afforded some protection. That's how canopy beds came
into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt.

Hence the saying, Dirt poor. The wealthy had slate floors that would get
slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on floor
to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more

thresh until, when you opened the door, it would all start slipping
outside. A piece of wood was placed in the entranceway. Hence the saying
a thresh hold.

(Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that
always hung over the fire. Every day they lit the fire and added things
to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much meat. They

would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold
overnight and then start over the next day. Sometimes stew had food in
it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme, Peas

porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old..
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite
special. When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show

off. It was a sign of wealth that a man could, bring home the bacon.
They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit
around and chew the fat..

Those with money had plates made of pewter. Food with high acid

content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead
poisoning death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next
400 years or so, tomatoes were considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom

of the loaf, the family got the middle, and guests got the top, or the
upper crust.

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would
sometimes knock the imbibers out for a couple of days. Someone walking

along the road would take them for dead and prepare them for burial.
They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the
family would gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they

would wake up. Hence the custom of holding a wake.

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of
places to bury people. So they would dig up coffins and would take the
bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When reopening these

coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the
inside and they realized they had been burying people alive. So
they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead it through the
coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would

have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the graveyard shift) to
listen for the bell; thus, someone could be, saved by the bell or was
considered a ..dead ringer..

And that's the truth...Now, whoever said History was boring !

2008-01-29T10:17:00.001-08:00

Rajanikanth makes onions cry.

Rajanikanth can delete the Recycling Bin..

Bill Gates lives in constant fear that Rajanikanth' PC will crash..

Ghosts are actually caused by Rajanikanth killing people faster than Death can process them.

Rajanikanth can build a snowman..... out of rain.

Rajanikanth can strangle you with a cordless phone.

Rajanikanth can drown a fish.

Rajanikanth can play the violin...... . ...with a piano.

When Rajanikanth enters a room, he doesn't turn the lights on,......... .... he turns the dark off.

Rajanikanth once had a heart attack...... ......... his heart lost.

When Rajanikanth looks in a mirror the mirror shatters, because not even glass is stupid enough to get in between Rajanikanth and Rajanikanth.

Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Rajanikanth can throw Brett Favre even further.

The last digit of pi is Rajanikanth. He is the end of all things.

Rajanikanth does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.

Bullets dodge Rajanikanth.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Rajanikanth and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Rajanikanth' calendar goes straight from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Rajanikanth.

If you spell Rajanikanth wrong on Google it doesn't say, 'Did you mean Rajanikanth? ' It simply replies, 'Run while you still have the chance.'

Rajanikanth can do a wheelie on a unicycle.

Once a cobra bit Rajanikanth' leg. After five days of excruciating pain, the cobra died.

When Rajanikanth gives you the finger, he's telling you how many seconds you have left to live.

Rajanikanth can kill two stones with one bird.

Rajanikanth was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.

Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Rajanikanth can kill 100 percent of whatever he wants.

There is no such thing as global warming. Rajanikanth was cold, so he turned the sun up.

Rajanikanth can set ants on fire with a magnifying glass. At night.

Rajanikanth has a deep and abiding respect for human life… unless it gets in his way.

It takes Rajanikanth 20 minutes to watch 60 Minutes.

Rajanikanth once shot down a German fighter plane with his finger, by yelling, 'Bang!'

In an average living room there are 1,242 objects Rajanikanth could use to kill you, including the room itself.

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Rajanikanth.

Rajanikanth destroyed the periodic table, because Rajanikanth only recognizes the element of surprise.

Rajanikanth got his drivers license at the age of 16 Seconds.

With the rising cost of gasoline, Rajanikanth is beginning to worry about his drinking habit.

The square root of Rajanikanth is pain. Do not try to square Rajanikanth, the result is death.

When you say 'no one's perfect', Rajanikanth takes this as a personal insult.

2008-01-29T10:16:00.001-08:00

The Sweet Joke of the Day for Jan 27, 2008 is:

============ ========= ========= ========= ========= =======

Sign on the inside of a bathroom stall: "Beware of limbo dancers."

A hardware store in Oregon has a sign that reads: "Today's special."

Below, it says: "So's tomorrow."

Sign in school: "In case of atomic attack, the federal ruling concerning prayer in this building will be temporarily suspended."

Sign seen on an electricity pylon: "DANGER! To touch these wires will result in instant death. Anyone found doing so will be severely prosecuted."

Sign at a garage in Hertfordshire: "Please do not smoke near the pumps. If your life isn't worth anything, gas is!"

Sign seen in the vicinity of Victoria Station: "Closed for official opening."

2008-01-29T10:15:00.001-08:00

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truckâ€™s driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement.

He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Angrily, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her whatâ€™s so funny?

The blonde giggles and replies, â€œWhen you werenâ€™t looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!â€

2008-01-29T10:13:00.002-08:00

Winning Smile

This story concerns the legendary sage Mulla Nasruddin, whose humourous tales contain a delightful down to earth wisdom which cross cultures and centuries. Many different middle-eastern regions claim him to be their own, where the ever popular Nasruddin is often shown besting his worldly superiors. As in the following anecdote, he somehow always manages to score the winning point.

The Sultan of Arabia had grown very fond of Mulla Nasruddin and often took him along on his travels. Once, while on a journey, the royal caravan approached a small nondescript town in the desert.

On a whim, the Sultan said to the Mulla, “I wonder if people would know me in this small place. Let us stop my entourage here and enter the town on foot, and then we’ll see if they can recognize me.”

Accordingly, they dismounted and walked down the main road of the dusty town. The Sultan was surprised to see that many people smiled at Nasruddin, but ignored him completely.

Irritated and a trifle angry, he said, “I see that the people here know you but they don’t know me!”

“They don’t know me either, Your Excellency!” replied the Mulla, innocently.

“Then why did they only smile at you?” questioned the Sultan.

“Because I smiled at them.” said Nasruddin, smiling.

This simple tale beautifully portrays how the simplicity of a childlike smile can speak more than worldly finery and authority. Often we may believe in the power of our intelligence, or our ability to impress or argue a point, but fundamentally when we express the five human values as ‘love in action’ we will more often than not receive a response from people’s hearts and create little miracles of love. Sometimes the silent strength hidden in our soul can blossom forth in a simple smile – try it!

2008-01-29T10:13:00.001-08:00

One day a small baby asked his pregnant mother what is it(touching) ?

Mother replied "That in this there is a small little , charming , cute
baby........ "

Baby said "If he is so cute n charming then y did u ate him......... "

2008-01-29T10:12:00.001-08:00

 WHEN THE BOY WAS RETURNING AFTER HIS  MARRIAGE…HE  FOUND HIS WIFE
 HOLDING
A SMALL PACKET;;;;;;;



THE BOY ASKED……..WHATS THERE IN THAT PACKET..



WIFE REPLIED…..DARLING THIS IS THE SECRET OF MY LIFE...PLS NEVER  OPEN
IT
OR ASK ME ABOUT IT FURTHER….OTHERWISE OUR MARRIAGE WILL BE IN
TROUBLE……………………………………………………………………..



THE COUPLE SPENT THEIR DAYS HAPPILY……BUT THE  BOY WAS VERY KEEN TO KNOW
WHAT WAS THERE IN THAT SMALL PACKET……



AFTER  SOME DAYS THE BOY AGAIN TOLD……DARLING AFTER MARRYING YOU , I GOT
THE
WOMAN OF MY DREAM…BUT TELL ME WHAT THAT PACKET IS…….IT WLL NEVER AFFECT
OUR
RELATIONSHIP…..AS I LOVE U MORE THAN MY LIFE………………..BUT WIFE ONLY TOLD
THAT
I ALSO LOVE U MORE THAN MY LIFE….THATS WHY TELLING U NOT TO ASK ABOUT
THAT……….









AFTER SOME DAYS WIFE WENT TO HER OWN HOUSE AND FORGOT TO TAKE HER
PACKET………THEN THE BOY COULDN'T CONTROL HIMSELF….AND OPENED THAT
PACKET……………………………!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



HE WAS SHOCKED TO OPEN THAT……..THERE WAS  30 RUPEES……AND  2 WHEAT
GRAINS….IN
THAT PACKET……THE BOY COULDN'T UNDERSTAND  WHAT IT WAS…AND HOW IT COULD
AFFECT THEIR MARRIAGE LIFE………



THEN WHEN HIS WIFE RETURNED …..HE  BURST  INTO LAUGHTER…..AND TOLD
…DARLING
WHAT IS THIS……AND  HOW IT COULD HAVE AFFECTED OUR
RELATIONSHIP……..WHATEVER
MAY BE……U HAVE TO TELL ME  ABOUT THE SECRET…….



THE THE WIFE REPLIED………………………………………………



THAT'S NOT GOOD……………….ANY WAY…….IF U HAVE ALREADY FINALISED TO KNOW THE
SECRET …..HERE  IT……………………………..



BEFORE MARRIAGE ..EACH TIME I HAD SEX WITH ANY GUY…I PUT A WHEAT GRAIN
IN
THAT PACKET TO REALISE THAT I HAVE DONE  A MISTAKE…….…………………………………





THE BOY SAW THOSE TWO WHEAT GRAINS….AND AFTER WAITING FOR TWO MINUTES
TOLD…..………..  ITS OK……EVERYBODY  MAKES MISTAKE  …….

I STILL LOVE U BECAUSE U TOLD ME THE TRUTH…….. BUT  WHAT IS THAT  30
RUPEES………………………………  THE WIFE REPLIED…..THE BOY FAINTED……………………



-

_

_

_

_

_

_

_

_

_

_

_

_

_

_

_

_













_









_



_



_



_



_



THE WIFE SAID……I HAVE SOLD 6 KG WHEAT  AT A RATE RS 5 PER
KG……………..!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2008-01-29T10:10:00.000-08:00

Birth is first of life
beauty is art of life
death is last of life
friend ship is heart of life.